Best Trivia - Jokes

Favorite Trivia – JOKES/HUMOR

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer… and a mop.”

“If you can learn to laugh at yourself you will never cease to be amused.”

David Baird – A Thousand Paths to Enlightenment

Doctor: “I have some bad news to tell you. You have 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “You must be kidding, doctor.”
Doctor: “No, I’m not, and it gets worse. I forgot to tell you yesterday.”

“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot. Then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.”

Steven Wright

A guy walks into a restaurant and asks for a bowl of concrete.
“A bowl of concrete?” the waitress asks incredulously. “We don’t serve concrete here.”
“Then I guess I’ll go eat up the street.”

Patient: “Doctor, I have this problem. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
Doctor: “Well, what are you taking for it?”
Patient: “Pepper.”

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday.

“I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.”

Boucicault

“I’m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes, because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde.”

Dolly Parton (That’s Really Funny)

“Blondes have more fun, don’t they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blonde roots?”

Rita Rudner (That’s Really Funny)

“My mother loves to clean. She’ll say, ‘Look at this. You could eat off my floor.’ You could eat off my floor, too. There are thousands of things down there.”

Elayne Boosler (That’s Really Funny)

Irate husband: “That damned wife of mine is a liar!”
Friend: “How do you know?”
Irate husband: “Because she said she spent the night with Maizie.”
Friend: “So?”
Irate husband: “I spent the night with Maizie.”

“In those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; in those whom I love I can: they all make me laugh.”

W. H. Auden

First Bride: “Does your husband snore in his sleep?”
Second Bride: “I don’t know, we’ve only been married three days.”

“I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns eighteen.”

Groucho Marx

“Two men are walking through the jungle. One of them picks up a huge stick and throws it into the forest where it whacks a lion on the head and wakes the beast up.

‘O no!’ says the first man. ‘Looks like we better run for our lives!’

‘I’m not running!’ says the second. ‘You’re the one who threw the stick.'”

Thank you

… guy who uses the urinal right next to me even though there are literally ten open urinals.

… stuffing, for always being delicious, even though you’re cooked inside a turkey’s butt.

… post-Thanksgiving-dinner relaxation rituals, for being the one time when uncle Gary can unbuckle his pants in front of the whole family and not get sent to jail.

… ponytails, for turning the backs of girls’ heads into horses’ butts.

… oscillating fans, for being soooo good, then not so good, then soooo good, then not so good, then soooo good.

… older woman next to me in my yoga class, for ripping not one but two big ones during downward-facing dog. It’s like that old saying, ‘”One yoga toot, shame on you. Two yoga toots, you should probably go to the ladies room.”

Thank you Notes – Jimmy Fallon

The Italian has only two things on his mind—the other one is spaghetti!

Cafe Firenze cookbook

Idiot Inventions:

The inflatable dartboard.

The silent alarm clock.

A man called his wife from his office and told her that he was going on a weekend fishing trip so would she please pack his overnight case.

“And please don’t forget to put in my nice new robe,” he said.

After he returned from his trip, he said to his wife, “I thought I asked you to pack my robe. I couldn’t find it.”

His wife replied, “I put it in your tackle box.”

Did you hear? There’s a new tranquilizer out. It doesn’t relax you, it just makes you enjoy being tense.

Doctor: “Don’t worry, Dave, this is a simple operation.”
Patient: “But Doc, my name’s not Dave!”
Doctor: “I know. It’s mine.”

“You’d better go, my husband just drove up.”
“Where’s the back door?”
“We don’t have one.”
“Where would you like one?”

“In my house, on the ceilings, I have paintings of the rooms above… so I never have to go upstairs.”

Steven Wright (That’s Really Funny)

“A travelling salesman knocks at a door. A little boy answers. The little boy is smoking a huge cigar, swigging from a bottle of whisky and standing with his arm round a busty young woman.

The salesman looks at him and asks, ‘Are your mother and father at home?’

‘Does it look like they are?’ says the boy.

A beautiful show girl arrived home late one night and found six of her boyfriends sitting around her apartment waiting for her. “Well, boys,” she said. “I’m certainly delighted you came up to see me and all that. But I really had a tough day, and I’m very, very tired. So I’m terribly sorry but—one of you boys will have to go home.”

Mammy’s in the kitchen and is startled by a noise outside. “Rasta,” she yells, “What are you doing out there?”
“I’m just out here fucking,” he says.
“That’s good, just don’t you be fighting.”

“I don’t know why people complain about secondhand smoke. At nearly two dollars a pack, don’t they realize how much money they’re saving.”

Dennis Miller (That’s Really Funny)

George: “Gracie, what day is it today?”
Gracie: “Well, I don’t know.”
George: “You can find out if you look at that paper on your desk.”
Gracie: “Oh, George, that doesn’t help. It’s yesterday’s paper.”

“Did you hear about the idiot pirate? He had a patch over each eye.”

“We were so poor that on Christmas if I didn’t have a hard on, I had nothing to play with.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Wife: “Honey, I’m not wearing any underwear tonight.”
Husband: “Yes, I know, I took your last pair.”

Did you hear about the woman who had so many children she ran out of names to call her husband?

A group of Scotchmen dressed in traditional kilts, were part of a parade that was temporarily held up because of traffic. A woman standing on the curb spoke to one of the costumed paraders, saying, “Excuse me for being curious, but I’ve always wondered what you wore under those short kilts.”

The Scotchman looked at her for a moment with cocked eyebrow and answered, “I’m a man of few words. Give me your hand.”

“We’re trying to bring them up the right way. We’re not spanking them. We find that we don’t have to spank them. We find that waving the guns around pretty much gets the job done.”

Denis Leary (That’s Really Funny)

Text to friend:

Hey… can u pcik me up? im to drnuk

oh u dnt have to anymore… im home now

Text response from friend:

Yes… I was aware of that after dropping u off at home.

“I think there’s company downstairs.”
“How d’ya know?”
“I just heard mamma laugh at papa’s joke.”

“Am I scared! Got a letter from a man saying he’d shoot me if I didn’t stay away from his wife.”
“Well, all you gotta do is stay away from her.”
“Yes, but he didn’t sign his name.”

“You were speeding,” said the policeman politely. “I’ll have to give you a ticket.”
“I was not!” the man protested loudly. I was only doing forty!”
“You were doing fifty in a forty-mile zone.”
“Look here,” the man said belligerently, “I was doing forty.“
The argument continued to heat up until the man’s wife finally interrupted. “Excuse me, but you’re wasting your time, officer,” she said. “It’s impossible to argue with him when he’s been drinking.”

“A man is laying down a carpet for an old lady. When he has finished he decides to have a smoke but he cannot find his pack of cigarettes anywhere. Eventually he notices a small bulge in the otherwise flat carpet. ‘Damn!’ he says. ‘I’ve left my cigarettes under the carpet.’ And so using a hammer he taps the lump until it is quite flat.

Just at that moment the old lady walks in with a tray of tea things and the workman’s cigarettes. ‘You left these in the kitchen,’ says the old dear. ‘Now, you haven’t seen my pet budgie anywhere, have you?'”

“Does your father have to pay much for coal?”
“Not a cent. He lives near the railroad tracks, and makes faces at the engineers.”

A guy who went to UCLA is in a USC parking lot to attend a football game between his Alma mater and USC. He sees a guy in a USC t-shirt and asks, “Where’s the stadium at?”

The USC guy says, “I can tell you’re not from USC, we don’t end our sentences with a preposition.”

“Is that right,” he says. “Let me rephrase. Where’s the stadium at, asshole?”

Customer: “Look here, I got twice as much pudding yesterday.”
Waiter: “You were sitting by the window weren’t you?”
Customer: “Then you remember me?”
Waiter: “No. I guessed it! All ‘window tables’ get an extra helping—it’s an advertisement.”

The pretty restaurant cashier had applied for a holiday. “I must recuperate,” she said. “My beauty is beginning to fade.”
“That so?” said the proprietor. “What makes you think so?”
“The men are beginning to count their change.”

I’m glad to be back in the States where a lay is a lay and not a bunch of flowers.

Mae West upon her return from Hawaii

“My house is filthy. Once a year, I wanna clean house, I call the cops. I go, ‘I’ve been robbed.’ They come over; they dust for fingerprints. Use your heads.”

Joan Rivers (That’s Really Funny)

“I installed a skylight in my apartment… The people who live above me are furious!”

Steven Wright (That’s Really Funny)

Gotrox: “Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?”
Young Man: “Yes—I would.”
Gotrox: “That’s enough. I don’t want my daughter marrying an idiot.”

Q. “Did you hear about the Polish lottery?”

A. “You win $1 a year for a million years.” [June 6, 1998]

Theft by Finding: Diaries (1977-2002) – David Sedaris

My wife’s a water sign. I’m an earth sign. Together we make mud.

Rodney Dangerfield

I was so busy looking out for number one, that I stepped into number two.

Rodney Dangerfield

Two hikers encountered an angry bear in the forest. One of the men opened his knapsack, pulled out his running shoes and began putting them on as fast as he could. The other watched and said incredulously, “You don’t think you’re going to outrun that bear, do you?”

“I don’t have to outrun the bear,” the first man responded. “I only have to outrun you.”

Why do you call it a rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams

“I don’t talk much about current events. I don’t get the newspaper anymore, because my neighbor just moved. When I do buy the paper, I buy them out of the coin racks. They’re cheaper. They’re four for a quarter out of these things.”

Garry Shandling (That’s Really Funny)

“I’ve got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho) – Duck Soup

“One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, ‘Didn’t you see the stop sign?’ I said, ‘Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

Steven Wright (That’s Really Funny)

“A policeman is called round to an old lady’s house. ‘It’s the man next door,’ she tells him. ‘It’s absolutely disgusting. I can see right into his house from my bedroom and he wanders round all day with the curtains wide open naked as the day he was born.’

The policeman is very concerned and looks out of the window to check on this exhibitionist next door. ‘Just a minute!’ says the policeman. ‘I don’t seem to be able to see into your neighbor’s house at all from here.’

‘Oh you can,’ says the old lady, ‘if you climb on the top of the wardrobe!'”

“A man is looking round a care home for the mentally infirm. He asks the director, ‘How do you decide if a person should be committed here?’

‘Well,’ says the director, ‘We fill a bathtub full of water and offer the person a teaspoon, a tea cup or a bucket and ask him to empty the tub.’

‘Oh I see,’ says the man. ‘A normal person would chose the bucket because it carries more water.’

‘No,’ says the director, ‘a normal person would pull the plug out. So do you want a bed near the window or the door?'”

“‘… all humour rests on paradox, because every good joke is capped by the unexpected.’ [Hugh Kenner]”

Walter Redfern – Puns

“An older man is walking down the street one afternoon when he hears a voice saying, ‘Pssst—could ya help me out?’ He looks around, but there’s nobody there. He starts to walk on, and again he hears, ‘Pssst—could ya help me out?’ Once again he stops and looks around, and again, there’s nobody to be seen. But this time he looks more carefully, and happens to glance down at the sidewalk, where he sees a huge frog. Though he’s a little embarrassed to be talking to a frog, he asks? ‘Did you speak to me?’

“Much to the man’s surprise, the frog answers: ‘Yes, indeed. Could ya help me out?’

“The man is intrigued and asks, ‘Well, what do you want?’

“The frog replies, ‘Well, I’m under a curse. If you would kiss me, I would be freed of the curse, and I would turn into a beautiful woman, who would love you and serve you. I would care for you, warm your bed and make you so happy!’

“The man stands there for a moment, reflecting, and then picks up the frog, puts it into his pocket, and walks on. After a few minutes the frog says, ‘Hey! You forgot to kiss me.’

“And the man says, ‘You know, at my age, I think it might be more interesting to have a talking frog.'”

Ram Dass – Still Here: Embracing Aging, Changing, and Dying

Gallery

Gallery

Best Trivia - Jokes

Recent Posts

Meta